3. I Am Ok With The Mystery

...of faith and of life.

“I am ok with the mystery”… of faith and of life. This is something I say all the time, but did it make my original free-flowing list of 40, no it did not. But I said up front that I reserved the right to adjust my list as I went along. This brings us to the first addition to my list. I’m going through something that is reminding me that I deeply trust in the mystery. And, while it’s tempting to wait and write about it when I know the conclusion, I actually think it’s more authentic to write about it in the midst of the unknown. 

For context, I have a deep sense of faith. Within my faith there are many things I feel sure of: I believe that God loves everyone, no exceptions! I believe that God calls us to love extravagantly, to work for justice, to hold onto hope, and to be the light in dark times. And, I also feel sure that while we have some things that help us know and understand God, we can’t know everything. I believe God and Spirit is bigger than what I can understand. And I am ok with that. My sense of faith is being ok with the mystery. And that applies to how I live my life and my approach to when things don’t go the way I want them to. 

I have had a dream for over 15 years to write a book. Back in August, I learned that a publishing company was offering an author’s retreat. If selected, the publishing company would pay for my travel and housing and I would get time with editors to get feedback and time to work on my book. It wasn’t a guarantee that they would publish it, but it seemed like a great way to get help with my book and then get it ready to submit to the publisher for review. I knew I had to apply. They could always say no, but I definitely wouldn’t get in if I didn’t apply. So, I worked hard for a few months on an interest letter, a resume, a book description, and 8 - 15 pages of a writing sample. Amidst my full life of work, three children, and everything that goes along with these things I made this dream happen! I got the application in on time - December 1.

Here’s the little video I posted to share that I had officially sent in my application…

And then I waited to hear back. I waited and waited. I figured with Christmas, I likely wouldn’t hear back in December. I gave it all of January. I was trying not to be pushy. Finally, when February came, I decided it was fair to write them to ask when I might hear back. When I went to find the email I had received confirming my application had been submitted, I found another email from them - an acceptance to the retreat! WOW! AMAZING! But … how did I miss this!? When did it come in!?… December 6th!? Again… how did I miss this?! The answer I later found was it went to my junk box. My excitement quickly turned to horror! Would my spot still be available 2 months after they sent me this acceptance email? Even worse, it was Friday afternoon, it was too late to reach anyone at their office. Longest weekend of my life! Come Monday morning, I learned that my spot had been given away. Apparently, they also tried to email me in January (I can’t find that email anywhere) and when they didn’t hear back from me, they moved on. I was so sad. Just so sad. I got in and then I lost it. All because the email went to my junk folder. 

I spent the morning crying. Then I went and slapped on some make-up so I could go get my kiddo from school and not draw attention to the emotional wreck I was. I talked to friends and family to process this. I knew I needed to let myself feel my feelings. And, somewhere in all of this, it began to shift for me. Not that I didn’t feel sad. But I began to remind myself that there must be more to the story. One mentor friend of mine said, “You know, when ‘weird’ stuff like this happens (like the email just doesn’t go to your inbox), often later I look back and this kind of thing has God-prints on it”. I agree! There have been a few times in my life where something I wanted more than anything, didn’t come to fruition, or didn’t happen in the original way I had hoped. But now, I look back and can see how those things allowed for new things to come into my life. I was set on important paths in my life. So, I moved to hope, still grieving, but also hopeful. I began to trust that there is more to this story. 

The gal at the publishing company was sorry for this email miscommunication. She offered to go ahead and send my retreat application to the acquisition committee as a book proposal. My retreat application doesn’t have everything they ask for in a regular application, but I figured it can’t hurt. They can say no, but they also could say yes!

And that’s where we’re at. I have held off on updating folks on this story. I think I’ve felt embarrassed, though I’m not sure why. I think I just wished things were different. I had so many people rooting for me. I think I also waited because I wanted to have a conclusion to the story. I wanted to be able to share the end result of this journey. 

And, then, when I sat down to think about what I wanted to write about this week, I realized that it feels better and more aligned to this lesson to write it amid the journey, when things aren’t clear how it will turn out. This whole thing has reminded me that I do deeply trust in the mystery. I believe that there’s more to this story. And so… I am waiting. Instead of waiting on my own, I’m inviting you into my journey of waiting. 

I shared last week that life isn’t just about the destination, it’s about the journey. I’m extremely proud of myself for the work that I did and what I sent in my application. I grew so much in that process of writing and applying. And I think this current moment of waiting is so hard and actually so sacred. It’s a process of letting go and letting whatever happens happen. A big focus for me this year was to be more proactive and less reactive. However, I am realizing you need both. I was proactive in getting my application in. And now, I have to release it to whatever comes next in the process. The sacred lens for me in this is looking for where God shows up, looking for those “God-prints”.

And so we wait to see what the next step is on the journey. Thank you for joining me in the waiting. I will hold to the things I know are true: They did say YES! And, it’s not the end of the story! No matter what happens next, I truly believe God is a part of it. And I’m ok with the mystery of what is unfolding. 

Reflection Questions:

• When is a time something didn’t go the way you had wanted, but in the end, it was actually what needed to happen?

• When is the last time you checked your junk box in your email? maybe…. go do that!? :-)

Songs: (click on the song to hear it!)

Just Haven’t Seen It Yet* - Danny Gokey - This is one of my favorite songs that reminds me that when things feel like they aren’t coming together, it might just be on the horizon and you haven’t seen it yet. *This song uses “he” for God. Feel free to replace it with whatever word feels right for you.

Your Hands - JJ Heller - This is a long time favorite of mine. It’s that beautiful reminder that God is with me always, even when things are shaky and unknown.

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield - Somehow this spoke to me when I was younger and still speaks to me in different stages of my life! It’s that reminder that things are still unfolding and unwritten.

Click HERE to go to the 40 Things, 40 Years Playlist featuring the songs from each blog post.

A little note about the songs I am using - often what’s out there in the way of Christian music comes from the more conservative view point. I tend to just replace words or phrases in my head when I hear the song so it fits with my progressive theology.