Before The List, The Why

Before I dive into the weekly list, I wanted to share a bit about the why.

The truth is, I have been a little mad at myself recently. Over the last several months I’ve felt “old” and had begun to feel sad about turning 40. In fact, I realized I actually was sad about turning 39 (November). It was then that I remembered I haven’t really liked turning the last year of any decade.

I don’t remember how I felt at 9, but I remember how I felt about turning 10 (DOUBLE DIGITS!). I loved it!

I didn’t like turning 19. It felt boring. At 18 I could vote! I was an adult! And 20 would be cool because it was a new decade. But what did 19 have to offer… I could buy dry ice? Who needs that?

I didn’t hate turning 29, but I guess I didn’t care too much about it. I remember just wanting to get to 30. To me 30 year olds were established and had a good portion of life figured out… and I wanted that!

And then in my 30’s, all of those childhood dreams that I had for my future came true… I got married, I had 3 amazing children and life got more and more established through those years.

Photo from my 39th Birthday after my Target run.

Then this last November came and I turned 39. I wasn’t looking forward to it honestly. But, I gave myself some gifts - I spent some time with a friend who gave me beautiful flowers and yummy pastries. I got a massage. I bought some tarot cards (because I was raised on Angels and Jesus!), went to Target to pick up diapers and groceries for the fam (see pic), and then had a sweet little birthday meal with my family. It actually ended up being a lovely birthday. But, the reality is that I felt myself feeling sad to get ready to say good bye to this decade. What would it mean to be in my 40’s. I was feeling “old”… and not in a good way. I felt like I was looking old (grey hairs) and looking tired (children and lack of sleep - why must they wake at 5am! why!?). It didn’t help that the styles of my youth had been coming back and I just didn’t (and still don’t) know what to make of that. But here’s the thing… most of my life I’ve never been afraid of aging. I get annoyed when older people say they’re “old”, like it’s a bad thing. And here I was, saying exactly that!

Our culture has really ingrained in us that older people are obsolete and that beauty is only in the young. I know at my core and in the depths of my soul that I don’t believe that. So, I was mad at myself for giving into that feeling. I am inspired by Julia Louis Dreyfus who says on her podcast in response to our world making aging women obsolete, “fuck that bullshit”! And so, I’ve been on a little internal journey wondering about all these feelings I was having.

I was at a silent retreat recently (24 hours) prior to a bigger women’s retreat through my church. It was such the gift of time and space that I needed to literally hear myself think… and to listen to the quieter voices of my ancestors and God. I think I realized, that I had accomplished so many of the goals I had held in my youth. So now what!? So much of our young time is spent dreaming of the future and what you build in your life - the spouse, the kids, the house, etc… And now that those things have come, I realized, that rather than just go through the motions, it is time to set some new visions and goals. And frankly, re-set a bit of my identity. This may sound extreme, but for the last 7 years, my identity has been very wrapped up in the fact that my body has created 3 humans and nourished them. I finished pumping for my youngest in December. So now… my body is (mostly) my own again! Once I made this connection, I realized that I think part of my feelings of this decade ending is the letting go of this part of my life. It’s been a beautiful journey, to create this family and these amazing children and now… onward.

And so, as I sat with all of these different feelings and thoughts last weekend, I got inspired to create a list of 40 things. I sat in a room with women who are mostly older than me and I gleaned their wisdom. I looked upon their beautiful faces and reminded myself of my core belief that there is nothing wrong with aging. There is nothing wrong with changing and growing. There is beauty and awe and wonder in this life, and each decade brings its own unique journey! I was reminded of that. And, I reminded myself that a core way I live my life is with intention. That weekend retreat was the gift to set some intention for myself. Along with my list, I did come up with some goals, dreams or just intentional ways of being in the world that I want to pursue. And that that feels good. Creating my list of 40 things I know or feel are important in my life, is to help me claim who I am and how I want to go forward in the world. I think it’s also to help us all embrace aging and own the beauty in each of us and the lives we are living. We each have lessons learned and stories to tell.

I am also really inspired (and maybe also a little terrified) by how many folks from all different parts of my life have subscribed to tune-in to my journey. I know that I am always so grateful for women who tell it like it is. Their vulnerability gives me permission to do the same. So I will strive to do that here.

A few disclaimers about my list of 40 things:

• The list I came up with is in no particular order.

• I’m aiming to send out a weekly post on Fridays (since my 40th is on a Friday), but I ask for grace if I am late in getting it out! - especially since I hoped to post this on Monday, but here we are… it’s not Monday!

• This particular post is longer than what I’m aiming for in my weekly writings. So don’t be scared off by this one.

• While I wrote my initial list in January, I reserve the right to change or edit things on my list, which is why I’m not giving you the whole list up front.

• These are not meant to tell you how to live your life. They are just things I find important in my life, and maybe you too will find them helpful or inspiring.

• And lastly, these are just 40 things, of the MANY things I have learned or hold important in my life.

So, that’s some context. The WHY behind the LIST. Thanks for joining me and I look forward to hearing how these resonate with you. And may I just say, YOU ARE AMAZING! Here’s to you and your journey in life! You might enjoy (and maybe also cry to) this song, Growing Older by JJ Heller.

Flowers from my friend on my Birthday