5. It's Not About You, It's About Them

When people try to tear you down, that's about them, it's not about you!

When I was in 4th grade, I was made fun of pretty much all day, every day, for whatever reason the class could think of. I am sure I was awkward and pushed back in ways that only made it worse. I felt there was nothing I could do that was right in the eyes of these peers. I’m sure this isn’t the last you’ll hear of my 4th grade year; I learned several lessons from that year. That year left a few scars.

One scar from that year (and maybe from all of adolescence) was the feeling that I was too much - too loud, too big, too much energy, too out in front, too silly, too talkative, too much, too much. Somehow though, throughout upper elementary and adolescence, I found people who told me, “you are perfectly and wonderfully made. You don’t have to be anything else”. And, somehow in my too-muchness, I found other friends who were like me! Friends that “got me”. Did we get separated in school because we were always chatting and laughing, yes… were some of these people bridesmaids at my wedding, also yes! :-)

In college, I had a transformative experience. I was encouraged to apply to be an “orientation advisor”, someone who helps welcome the freshman to college. It was the beginning of me discovering that so much of what had formerly made me “too much” and the things I had in the past been bullied for were actually (get this) GIFTS that made me a good leader! I remember realizing that everything that I had been told made me “too much”, were all the things that now people were praising me for! I was able to energize these new students and get them excited for college, I could talk to anyone. I somehow was able to make them feel welcome. I was able to quickly make a new plan for an outing when the plans went awry. I ended up doing orientation advising for a few years!

So, it’s not fair, but I do know, in my work with youth, I’ve seen this happen to others too. When my youth share what they have been made fun of for, it’s often stuff that I see as gifts to who they are. What I have learned and try to pass on to the youth I work with, to my own children, and to friends, is that when someone is making fun of you, or tearing you down, it’s about them. It’s not about you. It’s about something they’re going through and you might push some button in them (fear, jealousy, inadequacy, etc…). They tear you down to try to bring themselves up.

And, I know this because sadly, one of the responses to the bullying in 4th grade, was that I then turned on my best friend. We were both getting picked on and I think I thought if I could get “above” him, then at least it wouldn’t be me. So, I tried to make fun of him to try to get on the rest of the class’ good side. This response one of my greatest life regrets. This stuff is just so painful. It’s painful as the person who got bullied. It’s painful to think I then bullied someone I considered a friend. And, it’s also painful to think about how broken we are to tear each other down, rather than work together to lift each other up.

Ever since 4th grade, a deep commitment I have had to myself and to the world, was to try to prevent anyone else feeling the way I felt that year. I wanted to be about inclusion, welcome and helping people know they matter. I wanted to be about celebrating people. And that has been a guiding commitment for everything I do.

There can be healing:

In high school, I ended up going to school with one of the youth in my 4th grade class. He sat me down one day and apologized for how they had treated me. WOW! It meant a lot. It validated that I hadn’t just been too sensitive. It had happened. I was grateful for his ability to apologize. Later, after college, I got together for lunch with my best friend from 4th grade that I had turned on. I got the chance to say I was sorry. We both apologized and reflected on that incredibly painful year. It was healing.

So, this is a lesson that I learned through pain, but ultimately I see the way it set my life on a really important trajectory. My hope for others is that you can know that you are beautifully and wonderfully made. Your gifts are unique and wonderful! Not everyone will see that and some might be afraid of that. But please know, it’s about them. It’s not about you. Stick to the people who remind you of your beautiful uniqueness, and let go of the people who tear you down. This world needs YOU. I celebrate you and love you!

Reflection Questions:

• Are there things in your life that you’ve been made fun of for, but actually realize later is a gift or something that makes you unique?

• How do you celebrate and lift up others?

• How might you stand more courageously in who you are?

Songs:

Stand In The Light by Jordan Smith - I chose this song because it reminds me that you can’t be anything other than who you are. And it’s important to just be you and let people see you.

Perfectly Made by Rachel Lampa - This song speaks to those times where words and stories can follow us, but through all of this we are always “perfectly made”. Even in times that feel hard, we are loved and we are unique and needed in this world.

Click HERE to go to the 40 Things, 40 Years Playlist featuring the songs from each blog post. A little note about the songs I am using - often what’s out there in the way of Christian music comes from the more conservative view point. I tend to just replace words or phrases in my head when I hear the song so it fits with my progressive theology.