22. Cry

yep. just cry!

The other night I was up from 12:30am - 4am with my 2 year old. She would fall asleep in my arms in the rocking chair. But then when I would take her to her bed she would wake up and cry. I tried laying down near her bed, but then she wanted to play and read. We tried to have her sleep in our bed, but she didn’t want that either. I cried to her - “we need to go to sleep!”. Finally, I had to just sit with her in the rocking chair while she slept. I guess I slept too… but does that really count!? I say no.

Needless to say, I was exhausted the next day (the same day!?). I was so exhausted and frustrated because now I had to choose between actually working and getting things done and napping/resting to try to recover from that horrible night. I rested for a little, but then got going on work…

• I had started the day with news that two of our local schools (a middle school and a high school) were going to be on some sort of special (weird?) lock down due to threats of violence.

• I got an email about a church member and friend who is now in hospice.

• I was also holding some youth in my heart and prayers who are dealing with some tough times.

And… It became too much to simply sit and “work”. As I read through the email about my elder friend in hospice, tears began to stream down my face. And…. I just let them. I was having a bit of a weepy morning, and I knew that part of it was that I was so tired. But also… I was aware that these tears and this cry had been building up for a while. I knew this release was good. I knew letting myself feel this and letting myself cry was honoring and important. So… I cried.

I suddenly had this thought of gratitude for my exhaustion. It somehow made the wall between my heart and my to-do list very thin, and it allowed me to just be exhausted, to just be sad, to just feel grief, to just let what was actually happening under the surface have a little time to be acknowledged.

I have been very focused on trying to stay on top of things as we have begun the school year - both personally and at work. I know that because of that I've pushed a few things off to the side or compartmentalized so I could get shit done. :-) But… That can only work for so long. And my heart needed this moment. I am grateful for tears. I am grateful for grief. I am grateful for my heart that loves so much. It’s ok to cry. It’s a good release. Crying is important!

Now, I will also say that I do consider myself a cryer. And sometimes it is really just flat out annoying. Sometimes, I just want to be able to say what I want to say without getting all emotional. I just want the words to come out and for people to hear them. I am working on accepting and embracing that that is just how I am. I can’t help it. I once was at a leadership training and a gal came up to me and said “Please stop apologizing for crying”. I try to remember her words of wisdom to me. I don’t need to apologize for it. It just is what it is. I think our society sends us messages that crying is bad or crying means something is wrong. And so we hide it, avoid it or try to stop it… or we apologize for it. “Sorry my emotions are spilling out of me”.

So…. life lesson number 22. CRY. It’s ok to cry! Let yourself feel and let yourself release. Cry for beautiful things. Cry in sadness. Cry because you’re exhausted. Cry because that piece of cake is so good. Cry because someone inspired you. Cry… your heart will thank you!

Reflection:

• What is crying like for you? Do you let yourself cry? Do you avoid it?

• When is a time that crying felt like a release for you?