17. Grief Is A Compass

Grief tells us something about the love and compassion we have for ourselves, others and our world.

A note about last week’s blog (and why it’s coming out now and not last Friday): Last week I began to write about a lesson I had in my list that was about the gift of grief. The way grief can hurt, but that ultimately it hurts because we love and that is important. I had started my blog reflecting about grief from that angle. And then, yet another fatal school shooting occurred. It impacted me enough that I didn’t feel ready to put all my thoughts into a blog yet. How could I write about grief being a gift, when a family would give anything to have their son back? I felt I needed a little time for things to process and I wanted to think about whether I should even speak to it or not. A church member (and someone following this blog) encouraged me on Sunday to still share my thoughts about grief because I might never know how it might impact someone. And then this week a few more pastoral things have come up that remind me that grief is such a deep part of life. And, we don’t talk about grief very much. So, thanks for the encouragement and for your patience readers. Grief has many angles, and so as I continued to write this, I changed from being a “gift” to being “a compass”.

Tuesday of last week marked the 4 year anniversary of my father in laws death. I had been busy all day with different things - kids, work, etc. And on one of the short drives I was doing between picking up kids and dropping kids off, I burst into tears as I thought about Ralph. The day replayed in my head. Hearing the news. Not being able to even process it. Jeremy had called me to tell me the news. I was with my friend at the time. I kept saying to her, “That’s not real. That didn’t just happen”. But it had and it had changed our whole family forever. But quickly my thoughts went from the replaying of that day, to the cherished memories. I could hear his voice. I could feel his hugs. I told him I missed him but that I believed he was also with us. And I like to believe he had a hand in sending us Freya. It got me thinking about grief. It got me thinking about the importance of letting myself cry (that’s another lesson I’ve learned). And the beauty of loving someone so much and missing them.

When my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer and dying, I remember reflecting to my mom that even though I was so deeply sad and heartbroken, I was grateful. I was grateful for my sadness and grief because it meant that I loved him so much. I was so grateful for that gift of his love and our connection. I’d rather love him and feel the sadness of losing him, than not have that connection.

Grief hurts. Grief is hard. Grief though, in my life, has also been a gift of love, connection, and compassion.

…I had begun writing this reflection about grief and then came the news last Thursday afternoon…

Again, another busy day filled with meetings and appointments. In between the busy, came the news of a fatal shooting of a student at a local high school. After I confirmed the youth I knew were physically ok, my relief turned to grief. Grief for the situation, grief for this young person and their family. Grief for the youth I knew and for all the families at the school. Grief for other youth and families who I know have been affected by gun violence. As I texted with youth at the school and the parents, one of them shared, “even though I didn’t know them, the student was someone’s loved one”. I was struck by the compassion we can have in grieving. Those places where we can grieve someone we didn’t even know. Because we believe in love and connection enough that even though we weren’t connected to them, someone was! And a family is hurting, because they’ve lost their loved one. It reminded me of the ways grief ripples through families and communities.

And, unlike the grief I began this post reflecting on, this grief and this situation brings such anger at the injustice and the state of violence in our area and near our schools. I, and so many of us, grieve the reality that our children, youth, teachers and parents are not strangers to this type of thing. Young people have grown up on active shooter drills and the real threat of gun violence. There is daily fear and anxiety around violence and the “what if’s”. Our youth have shared that when they’re at gatherings or events, they will note the exits and play out their exit strategy. That is not ok - for any of us!

We grieve because we love these kids and we want our communities and our world to be better, for all of us. And, the thing is, I want us to grieve because it means we’re willing to feel it. My fear is we, as individuals or as a community, might become indifferent and these moments might just become stories and we just move on. Grief hurts. Grief is hard. And I do still feel that grief offers us a gift. If we don’t let ourselves feel it, we will miss something important in the experience of being human.

Grief is in some ways a compass. It tells us something about us - about the love we have for someone (whether we knew them directly or not), about the compassion we can feel towards others, about the values we hold and the injustices in the world. Grief can move us to action. It can inspire us to make change in our own lives or to work for change in our communities. Grief is powerful.

The other thing I was reminded of is how grief is deeply physical. Though we categorize grief as an emotion, it takes a physical toll. Tears, fear, trauma, etc… It’s draining and it’s exhausting. And new loss, brings up past loss and griefs and it can be overwhelming. So, it’s a time to slow down, to rest, and not try to just move on. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s a time to focus on connections with loved ones. We grieve because we love and we care. We grieve because we don’t want it to be this way.

So, I’m hoping to walk a little gentler today and in the days ahead. I am holding my grief for Ralph in love and gratitude for his life and for the memories we have. I am holding the grief I feel for our students and for our world. And I am aware that all of us are holding grief - for loved ones, for situations, for this community or a community you’re a part of. It can be too much if we feel we have to cary grief alone. This is, for me, where the gift of community and prayer comes in. And I appreciate the ways we can come together to share our experiences, share our memories, share our anger and share in our grief.

Grief is a part of life. And no one really wants to feel grief. We want to keep our loved ones forever! We don’t want to go through a loss of someone or something we love. We don’t want things to change. And yet, it’s a truth we have to live with. We will feel grief. I wish I could take away the pain from last Thursday’s events, but I can’t. But, we can come together in these moments to support one another and to grieve together.

God’s promise in the Easter story is resurrection. It’s the reminder that death isn’t the end. And I hold tight to that in moments of deep grief and loss. May we be a little bit gentler with ourselves and each other remembering that we all carry the heaviness of grief. One of our pastors recently said “a weary world needs joy”. And I believe that is true. I want us to feel the grief to be able to move through it, and I hope that we too can, in the midst of our grief and weariness, look for moments of compassion, love and joy. May it be so.

Prayer:

Loving God, I believe you cry with us when we cry. You know our hearts and you know our grief. May your tender love enfold us in the moments of grief and loss. In the midst of moments that feel unjust and senseless, I pray we will see glimpses of you and your presence in our lives. Help us to feel this grief and not just push it aside. Help us to come together in our grief, to be honest and to share. Help us remember that each person holds grief and we never know what folks are fully feeling and holding. May we be gentle with ourselves and each other today and in the days ahead. May we know God that you are with us always, we are never alone.

Songs:

Fix You by Coldplay - I lost a friend when I was in college and this song was one that was cathartic to me during that time.

Going Home by Betsy Rose - This is a song by my aunt! A beautiful song about the journey at the end of life.

It Is Well With My Soul sung by Anthem Lights - I love this song, even when things don’t feel peaceful or ok in my heart and soul. I find it as a reminder that I will be ok and that God’s love is with me always.

Come What May by We Are Messengers - I thought of this song for this week because I resonate with these lyrics: Sometimes sorrow is the door to peace. Sometimes heartache is the gift I need. Feels like the ways grief allows us to move through to new emotions.

Peace Be Still by Hope Durst - I chose this song because I love the reminder that God’s peace can bring us comfort. There’s a line in there too that talks about not wanting to be afraid to face the storm. I think that’s important. We have to be willing to face grief, face the fear, face the storm!

Podcast:

The Final Say (Conversations with people facing death) - My friend and an amazing minister, Debra Jarvis, does this amazing podcast where she interviews people who are facing death. It’s quite moving and important.

Video:

A conversation between Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper about grief