10. Look For How Hard Times Shape You

And How You Can Create A Positive From it

When I sat down and wrote my list of 40 life lessons there were two on my list that went together. But, they were both separate learnings so it was important to give them their own space, their own post. Last week’s blog was the first of the two: “When Hard Times Come, Let Yourself Feel Your Feelings”. The gist of that is that it’s important to take the time and give yourself the freedom to feel, to grieve, and to let things just be. That can take time. The second part to that, or maybe the next lesson from that is to look for how the hard times shape you and how one can create positive from that experience.

We all go through hard times and as I said last week, it’s important to not busy yourself, push away feelings or just ignore what you’re going through. It’s important not to rush through to the next phase. And so, as I said last week, you let yourself feel the feelings and ride the wave of emotions. And then somehow things start to shift. It might be that time gives us a new perspective.

I hesitate to use the saying “everything happens for a reason”. It’s a bit problematic for me because I can’t imagine that loved ones killed in accidents is “for a reason”. I have watched too many families say goodbye to parents, children or friends too soon. My own family suffered a great loss at the unexpected passing of my father in law four years ago. I don’t think that that happened for any reason. It just happened. It was sad and heartbreaking and devastating.

What I do think is true is that goodness can come from tragedy, pain and adversity. Recently I’ve heard a saying “make your mess, your message”. And I think the thing about that is that when we go through these big life things that shape us, we see the world differently. We can relate to people differently. We might have a perspective that we can share that comes from our going through those hard times.

When I was in college, a friend of mine took her own life. It was obviously a life shaping moment. I was of course so sad that she was gone. I was sad for her despair in life. And I remember driving one time and being so fed up with the radio. I was mad at these radio d.j.’s that were just cracking jokes and talking about silly stuff. I needed something different. And that car ride, I found a christian music station. And while the theology wasn’t always a match for me, the songs allowed me to make space for my grief and sadness. So that began my connection to what I used to jokingly call “God-Music”. I have since then loved making playlists of songs for inspiration. They are often an element in the retreats I lead. I’ve seen and heard from youth and friends how inspired they’ve been by the music or how it speaks to them. So, no, I don’t feel her passing was for a reason, and I think from her passing, I found a gift of music that helped me heal and has helped others.

When my father in law passed, one of the most poignant lines in a card we received was from a friend our age who had lost her mother a few years prior. She said “this is a club no one wants to be in”. And I have never forgotten that. It was so true. We all go through hard times and when we do that, we join different clubs. It’s that reminder that we are not alone in our grief. We are not alone in tragedy. We miss my father in law so much! Since his passing, I have had a few other friends lose their parent or loved one too soon and unexpectedly. I have been able to relate in a way I didn’t before. Believe me, I wish I didn’t. But I do think that I see these opportunities for connection and sharing in grief. It’s the opportunity to say “you are not alone”. My children have had questions about death and where Grandpa is. And I sort of wish I didn’t have to have these conversations. But, I am appreciating the ways we can share with them that Grandpa lives on with us, in our hearts. And that we can still talk to him and share memories of him. So, we are shaping grief for our children. We are showing our kids it’s ok to cry when we miss someone, it’s ok to talk about Grandpa and it’s ok to ask questions. There is goodness in this lesson for our own children and for ourselves.

In my working with youth, I hear stories of the hard times they are dealing with (tough family life, feeling lost, navigating friendships, anxiety, depression, grief and more) and of course I am holding their experience and making sure they have support. Sometimes in our conversations I’ll share with them: “Someday, you might be talking to a younger person (or a friend for that matter) and they might relay to you the tough times they are going through. And it will be similar to what you are experiencing now. And you will be able to share with them your journey. Now, that’s not for right now. Right now you’re living it. You’re doing the work to go through this hard time. But later, you’ll be able to look back and share with others that there is hope on the other side.” And I honestly know that that is true. I have seen these youth I’ve worked with grow up and they are working in professions that help other young people (and adults) with medical needs, emotional needs, etc. I’ve seen these youth become adult leaders and I’ve seen how they’ve come out of those times and share their story. And I’ve seen how that has impacted others.

So, it isn’t that I think tragedy or hard times happen for a reason, but I think that there is hope on the other side and that goodness can come from these places. To know joy, is to know sorrow. We can’t have one without the other. It’s important to not stay in the grief, to not let it consume us. But to let it shape us and to let community and connection and hope come from that.

Lastly, since I’ve shared a lot about Ralph, my father in law, in this post and the last. Here is a picture I cherish - our last picture together. He’s doing his classic “peace sign”. Which we now see everywhere, a sign he’s with us! He always wanted the world to come together in harmony, love, compassion and peace. May it be so.

Reflection Questions:

• What is a hard time that has shaped your life?

• How have you seen goodness or connection come from that?

• What helps you hold on to hope?

Songs:

Blessings - Laura Story - This song is one that I have cried to many times. It does seem to be on the side of “everything happens for a reason”. So I am feeling a little apprehensive about adding it to this list. But I think the thing that I hold to with this song is that God is still with me in these moments of grief. That the hard times bring re-birth and newness and there is goodness in that.

Eye Of The Storm (feat. Gabe Real) - Ryan Stevenson & Gabe Real - This song is one I hold to in hard times as well. It’s just that reminder to me that God is always with me and I can trust in God in the journey through grief to hope.

Be Ok - Lauren Daigle - Another beautiful song to remind you to hold on to hope and that through it all we’re going to be ok.

The Sun Is Rising - Britt Nicole - I discovered this song in a popular movie called “The Other Woman”. It’s a comedy about a wife (Leslie Mann) who realizes her husband is cheating on her and she teams up with the other woman (Cameron Diaz) to discover what he’s been up to and to get revenge. And much of it is funny and it’s mostly about the sisterhood connection that forms for these women. But, there’s a moment in the movie where they acknowledge the heartache. This woman’s life is crumbling. She sits on the beach reflecting. And this song plays. Her new found friends join her and sit with her. This song is about the light that will come after the darkness.

A Podcast:

There is a podcast called “Everything Happens”. When I first discovered it years ago, the image for the podcast said “Everything Happens” and then the words “for a reason” were crossed out. She featured stories of people who had gone through deep pain and how they moved through that. But it made space for tragedy to just be tragedy. I haven’t listened to it in several years, but in writing this post, it reminded me of it. I offer it to you in case it’s something that resonates with you.